Kyle Luebke

The question is who am I? Believe me when I say I have no idea. Looking back to my accident and my arrest, I see a guy who didn’t think he had a drinking problem. I drank to be someone else, I numbed out the boring, ashamed of himself man and brought out the life of the party, the “fun guy.” That’s who I thought I was. Sad, pathetic, unhappy guy till I drank then I was the guy everyone wanted to be around.

Fast forward to Broken Together. I was scared not sure of myself, timid and sheltered. Coming to class I had already built this massive wall holding in my shame, pain, stress, and loneliness. I refused to let anyone in. I was gonna be the quiet guy in the class. I didn’t think anyone could understand the daily battle I go through. I started the class as the quiet, keep everything inside guy.

Throughout the weeks and classes came and went, I started to understand I wasn’t alone. Everyone has their own struggles and their own demons. I felt everyone’s pain, grief, and anxieties. I sympathized with them. I had that moment where I had realized that I lost myself and had consumed all my energy and concentration on building this wall up. [page 2]

I had started to feel confidence in myself, I wanted to let my wall down slightly and share my thoughts. The question was “Do you ever think how your people feel when they leave the visit or get off the phone with you?” Everyone who knows me, knows my finance, my family, and friends mean everything to me. My response was “Every single time, on visits I’m still embarrassed and ashamed having to walk in the room where my family and friends are sitting. I hate that they have to see me this way.” After that I started to feel more confident in myself.

The wall I had built was starting to weaken. I shared my thoughts and feelings and I wasn’t ridiculed or criticized for it. I started seeing a man I knew was in there but hadn’t seen him in a while. I decided to drop a huge weight and confess to the fact that I haven’t forgiven myself for my crime and I know if I ever will. I had never admitted to anyone out loud about how I felt. I remember I started to get choked up when I said it but the relief afterwards was welcoming. [page 3]

My final thoughts before I answer the question who am I? I needed Broken Together more than I knew. I had started to sew the pieces back together. I needed to hear others’ stories and know I wasn’t alone in this. I needed to hear that I was okay to be broken.

Finally who am I? I am Kyle Luebke. I am not perfect. I am a man who is broken but am fixing myself. I am the man I can start to be proud of. I am a man who made a mistake define who I am. I am a man with feelings. I have a wall up but not afraid to let people in. Who am I? I am a good man, a man who has started to be okay with who he is.

(Do not use without permission of author.)